GOING TO REWORK WEBSITE

Displeased with the website I have: will post an update when it’s back up and running.

but this is still up and running...

Thoughts

10/21/2014

I don’t know what has been going on as of lately. My mind is somewhere else. My heart is lost in a sea of chaos. My passion burns brightly. I am here, but am I really? I had recently got a text the other day asking how I was. I am “alright.” There is nothing wrong with me physically. Emotionally I’m lonely. I feel as if I’m followed and reminded by my loneliness and it’s only giving me a sense of uneasiness. So to help combat these feelings I turn to the internet. Where the antisocial can feel social. I create digital drawings and paintings and post them up.

In my solitude, however, I’m still not quite satisfied. But do I leave the “protection” of my home? Do I leave the “protection” of my room? I have only been leaving the house these past few days to go to work. I have only been doing things to get by. But is that enough?

To make matters worse, I’m recovering from a shortage of hours worked vs. how much I need to make rent. This paycheck is going to not be enough to cover my upcoming rent, but that’s just the lower part of the iceberg. I got a notice of eviction today to pay this rent or get out by tomorrow. Luckily I have enough now to cover it. Luckily i’m scrounging whatever money I have. The change in this cup and the change in that jar help me get by. I’ve even been sent a few hundred dollars this month and last month to help me with my bills. But i’m still not recovering from my debt? I’ve actually increased it? 

Whatever the case I’m glad i’m a shift manager at the moment just to feed myself a smorgasbord of food once a day when I work. My phone was recently turned off. It’s something that I need for work and something I really enjoy. However, it was just a tool and I should see it that way. I need to learn to disconnect myself from these material possession such as money and luxury items.

There are people in this world that I really miss. The first and foremost is “A Happy Me.” Then it goes to my family and buddy Nick. I don’t go out to see them being broke and all. I let them know I’m doing “alright,” but it would be nice medicine to be around them. It would be nice medicine to be around people in general. My friends are all busy with school and their own business and I’m becoming a person who takes discomfort in staying home alone, staying up all night, and even sleeping abnormally long hours.

I need to take risks. I need to learn not to be afraid of success. If I want to get discovered for my talent I should be making it seen as possible. I need to work to make myself better, enrich myself first. 

Depression is a beast that attacks me, but I keep doing my best to try to not let it bother me. I pretend I’m “alright," but when will I feel “alright?”

INKtober UPDATE!

October 11, 2014

What have you been up to over the summer?

So over the summer I was pretty much working and for a small while I was using my garage to try and great work. I got two commissions as soon as spring semester was finished. Friends and coworkers of mine asked me to paint them something. The first was a nice and had my painting of a serpent destroying a ship in the ocean.
The second painting was a fox. It was a recreation of a tattoo my coworker thought was beautiful and wanted a larger representation of it.
While working those I had the inspiration to start and have yet to finish a watercolor and ink painting of a stormtrooper with a bass guitar.
Other than that my summer consisted of a small vacation visiting friend and family in Portland/Vancouver and Yakima Valley. 
Other than that my summer was pretty quiet and I tried to prepare myself for the fall semester which I ended up not having enough moolah to get back in. So to help me raise funds created an alternative fundraising blog on fundly.com/last-year-of-school. I continued sketching and creating small works.  I've applied for grants, scholarships, and even private loans to no avail. So I am selling my time working with a lack of passion at McDonald's as a shift manager. 

Are you in school?

I am currently not in school and haven't even visited the school since my turn down for aid to pay off my current debt and last year of schooling. I haven't communicated with any of my teachers nor have I made any clear vision to seem like I want to be back in school. I really wish I  were though. I was planning my school year out only to have it postponed. I would have had a studio space in the department, I would have worked with my peers, instructors, and professors. Now I've isolated myself and losing my focus on what should drive me.

What are your plans?

My plans at the moment are to save up money. I am currently seeking my funding for my art and supplies on fundly.com/last-year-of-school. I plan on graduating with a BFA at Washington State University. I also plan on getting out of fast food business. As of this moment I hate it! I love the people (mostly) who work there. But just serving the rudest of people who believe their better than you, who think they are paying for than they get; they can just shove it. For those who understand the struggle of taking care of themselves on the most minimum of wages dealing with shit I salute you. I just don't think it's for me. I need to finish school. I need to network. I need to get out of this forever struggling poor lifestyle. 

What projects do you have?

I am currently working my Letters of Gratitude, a 100 envelope 100 drawings project. After finished I will try to showcase my work and send out each envelope to my benefactors who have contributed to my education and dream fund.
I also have a few other drawings and paintings I want to finish but haven't been inspired to finish them. One is of animals-candy abstractions.
Two of my works are commissions from friends who are asking me create them some awesome posters and paintings. One of these is a poster diptych of giraffes riding in a police car and a gang of lions. Another commission is of a grizzly bear riding a great white in the ocean. And the last one is perhaps a small three painting series of zebras. 

Lastly, another project of mine is finishing another album of songs with my friends Lucas Salazar and Carmen Selam. The goal here is to continue creating music and sharing music with the right people and hopefully, someday, have a one hit wonder.

What are you looking forward to?

The only thing I'm looking forward to lately is sleep, food, and sketching. There is not much to my life, but trying to save money for school, art supplies, and paying my bills on time.  Other that that I’m looking forward to someday completing my education getting a BFA and hopefully someday getting my MFA somewhere like San Francisco, Chicago, or perhaps the big apple: New York, New York. I’m looking forward to playing the game of life better than I ever have and becoming financially sufficient enough to help those close to me and around me. 

What's left in the world of academics? 

In the world of academics I have one year of school left and possibly retaking a few classes to bring back my GPA from the depths of academic hell. I am certified in my major, plan on graduating from WSU with a BFA. I would love to go to grad school if by some miracle I have a way to pay for it, if people are generous or if some school is generous enough to help me that would be great. I’d also like to learn more about creating music since it’s also an interest of mine and will probably continue permeating my down time.