Thoughts

10/21/2014

I don’t know what has been going on as of lately. My mind is somewhere else. My heart is lost in a sea of chaos. My passion burns brightly. I am here, but am I really? I had recently got a text the other day asking how I was. I am “alright.” There is nothing wrong with me physically. Emotionally I’m lonely. I feel as if I’m followed and reminded by my loneliness and it’s only giving me a sense of uneasiness. So to help combat these feelings I turn to the internet. Where the antisocial can feel social. I create digital drawings and paintings and post them up.

In my solitude, however, I’m still not quite satisfied. But do I leave the “protection” of my home? Do I leave the “protection” of my room? I have only been leaving the house these past few days to go to work. I have only been doing things to get by. But is that enough?

To make matters worse, I’m recovering from a shortage of hours worked vs. how much I need to make rent. This paycheck is going to not be enough to cover my upcoming rent, but that’s just the lower part of the iceberg. I got a notice of eviction today to pay this rent or get out by tomorrow. Luckily I have enough now to cover it. Luckily i’m scrounging whatever money I have. The change in this cup and the change in that jar help me get by. I’ve even been sent a few hundred dollars this month and last month to help me with my bills. But i’m still not recovering from my debt? I’ve actually increased it? 

Whatever the case I’m glad i’m a shift manager at the moment just to feed myself a smorgasbord of food once a day when I work. My phone was recently turned off. It’s something that I need for work and something I really enjoy. However, it was just a tool and I should see it that way. I need to learn to disconnect myself from these material possession such as money and luxury items.

There are people in this world that I really miss. The first and foremost is “A Happy Me.” Then it goes to my family and buddy Nick. I don’t go out to see them being broke and all. I let them know I’m doing “alright,” but it would be nice medicine to be around them. It would be nice medicine to be around people in general. My friends are all busy with school and their own business and I’m becoming a person who takes discomfort in staying home alone, staying up all night, and even sleeping abnormally long hours.

I need to take risks. I need to learn not to be afraid of success. If I want to get discovered for my talent I should be making it seen as possible. I need to work to make myself better, enrich myself first. 

Depression is a beast that attacks me, but I keep doing my best to try to not let it bother me. I pretend I’m “alright," but when will I feel “alright?”